Adventures in a new town

I love a new adventure, and a new experience. Today was chalked full of them.

The day started off with a first time visit to a new church which was awesome! I was raised in a church with mennonite roots, though its very progressive for having such conservative roots. We were always slightly turned off by pentacostal churches by how forward they were, how expressive they were and how long worship lasted. Well, as I move away and start to establish life for myself I'm learning the denomination I go to is entirely what fits for me. I went to a pentacostal church today and loved it. I love to sing and dance and worship God. It was a great time. We love when small children dance along yet we are far too stuck in our little box of conservative worship. So I loved it.

Then I went to market with my roomate. I rode the bus for the first time. Walked around downtown for the first time. Or maybe it was uptown? How do you even know? It's all relational. I'm not used to the mulitiplicity of the city, for example, I asked the bus driver, "does this bus go to market?" and he said "which one?" wait, there's more than one?!?! Anyway. We got off at the sketchy stop with all the interesting people, then went to market and I bought local fresh fruit, yum.

As I was walking along eating it a homeless lady crossing the street says to me, "You look so cool, the way you put that in your mouth". Her delivery was entirely genuine. It was just way too odd. Also I went to the most awesome used bookstore EVER. I just love the smell of them. It had the coolest chair, and a giant poster of ALF, plus many amazing amazing books. Yup. In love. Who knew this city had so much to offer?

Where did this summer go? Seriously.

I've got all these things running through my head right now. I've gotten up early this morning to finish packing since I'm moving tomorrow right after work, and my dad is packing all my stuff in his truck tonight while I'm still at work.

Last night I got together with all my girls, which has happened not enough this summer. We were trying to organize a day to get together for quite some time, since Ashley got engaged actually. So last night we finally got 4 of the 5 bridesmaids together (remind me not to have a big wedding party, its hard work getting schedules together!) We wrote on, stuffed, stamped and addressed the save the date cards and chatted, leafed through wedding magazines and just had an overall good time together.

I'm so excited for Ashley's wedding. The first of my girls to get married. This is just the beginning, before I know it I'll be blinded by all the bling on my girls fingers. And I'm okay with that. I'm ready for that.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for a new town, new people, a new house, a new school, and a real person job, but ready or not, here it comes!

I think I'm going to be abusing skype a lot. Saying goodbye to my girls last night was weird, I just tried to brush it off as a "i'll see you soon" sort of thing. I need them, I really do. I hadn't seen any of them for weeks and I was feeling really down. Now, I feel great. 3 days in a row of seeing one or all of them will do that. It was especially weird saying goodbye to Ashley. We've lived together for 3 years and now we are going our seperate ways to different teacher's colleges for different ages. Our paths are just taking big turns and it's great but sad.

I used to be able to wake up and walk down the hall, flop on Ashley's bed. I'd come home from class everyday and go straight to Ashley's room, flop down on her bed. I always had someone to talk to. In order to fully think through my thoughts and feelings it's best for me to verbalize them. I know it will be fine, it's just going to be different.

Also, life lesson of the day: when packing is going well and productive, turning on friends and the computer will never turn out well haha :)

Life is busy right now. It's good, it is, just busy. There aren't enough hours in the day for me to get done what I need to do.
I work my 5 days of the week and then plan out the two off strategically, or book off for appointments and such.
There are so many people I want to see while home and certain people that I keep pushing off and I feel terrible about but like this week, my best friend is leaving for Peru on tuesday so I had to see her before then. My best guy friend since birth will be home for 2 days and I need to see him, I haven't been in my own bed since Thursday and I picked up some insane sickness on Wednesday that I still haven't been able to shake.

It's just all too much for me right now, I'm struggling to find the pause button or something to slow life down. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm run down. I need rest.

rest.

where are you?

Beautiful things

This song is what I need right now. I first stumbled upon the Michael Gungor band for their song "White Man" which is just a great tongue in cheek song, the things that need to be said. I believe the band may have changed to just Gungor now (?) But I listen to their myspace player often and should invest in a cd when I can. The song that has been stuck in my head, the song on my heart, I just read the lyrics too and they are wonderful. Let me share

Beautiful Things

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll even find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

I don't want to complain about this heat, because I love the warmth and summer and we've been waiting for it SO long, even though this week has just been ridiculous especially having to work outside all day.

So, I'll talk about something else.

I got my hair all cut off. My mother and I both did actually, it was a nice relief in this heat, though I must say I took a mild panic attack in the chair because my mother used to be a hairdresser, and has only allowed two other people to cut my hair ever in my life.

Also, I had a poor experience with short hair in high school. So that fear plus a new person touching my hair with scissors was enough to make me dizzy to say the least.

But I do love it, its wildly different, a whole heck of a lot shorter, I look more mature (or so I'm told) and it's way easier in this heat.

I can't say what I really want to say, how I'm really feeling about something at the moment for fear of that person reading this. But I've come to realize once this happens, things are going to change wildly for us. I hope that person is ready for what is coming.

Read

It never ceases to amaze me how different some people can be.

It's very interesting to analyze our personality similarities and differences against those people we have been friends with our entire lives. It's an interesting dynamic in comparrison to newer friends. I've gone off to university and made plenty of friends based on common interests or social circles. We know we have things in common. I've met a lot of people in my program. I've met a lot of people through church or around the area.

Then I come home, post graduation and hit this weird state of elasticity. I feel as if my heart is stretched between both places moreso now than ever before. My heart is here, Home, the place I was raised, the house I've lived in as long as I can remember. Here is where my church is that I have attended since the first grade, where I met my best friends. This is where the three of them live, and of course my family.

But there, there is home too. There is the opposite, its the most "city" I've ever known. I love being able to walk places, all the time, everywhere. My poor car only leaves the lane if I'm on a time crunch or are uncertain of which buses take me. Generally, I walk. I look around, I discover newness everywhere. Also I have those friends, those wonderful friends I've made out of necessity, they fill a need in my life, a need that is now a void, now that I'm back here.

Don't take me wrong, I love my best friends for a reason. Because I know they will always be my best friends, no matter where I go. But there's a void in our personality differences that is sometimes difficult.

Case in point: I went over to my all time best friends house last night, you know, the home that's your home, the parents that are your parents, the brother that is your brother. That kind of home. My best friend admitted to me the other day (and I cant believe I'd never really noticed) that she had read one book in her entire life. Now, I'm an english major, I buy books like they are going out of style. I'd rather buy books than food. I went to a used bookstore twice in a week and spent more than 50 both visits, and this is a USED bookstore people, that means they cost like 10 at the most. yup.

So I decided I was going to get her reading. She admitted to me, "I just dont know which books to read". Which I think may be true of everyone who says they dont like to read, they just dont know the right books. So I went through my hideaways of books, in my bedroom at least, in my tv table, on my dressers, on the tiny bookshelf, in the closet, under the bed (I have lots of books) and pulled out 5 for her. We will see how they go. Also, the one book she'd ever read I recommended for her highschool ISU.

We went back to her house and I told her parents that I had gotten her reading to which they admitted they too never ever read. Excuse me? You are adults, you should know better. Her mother said, "I'll read something educational, but fiction is a waste of time". I think everyone can see the fallacy in this statement. There is never a time when you are reading and not learning, unless of course you are reading twilight. You know what, I may even be at the point where I'd make the statement I'd rather a person read twilight than not read at all. Weird.

But my point is, you break my heart when you say you don't read because it's boring or you don't learn anything or it's a waste of time. Find a book, there's a book out there for everyone, a style, an author, a genre that will peak your interest and teach you and engage you in ways other mediums can't. Read.

Sizes.

I swear we buy and wear clothes as if the label is printed in large bold letters repeatedly all over the item. We are so caught up in sizes that people wear clothes that they've clearly had to fight to get into, with flesh attempting to escape in any way possible. But the important part is that it said SM on the tag. Or it was a smaller number! Only we know of course but doesn't it feel good.

Well let me tell you, it doesn't look good.

I never thought about how ridiculous this way. I guess it has something to do with our cultures "ability" to shape our bodies and change them when we are less than satisfied. Because let's remember the parts of our bodies that cannot be changed. We have no problem with size shifting there.

Let me tell you the story.

So I was trying on shoes today, my size is about a 6-7 range. I tend to wear a 6.5, which is fairly small on average (the only thing I'd label as "small" on my body) and I found the 6 was WAY too tight. They are cute little sandals, a nice brown leather with turqouise beading, but they were too tight or something on the widest part of my foot. So I tried on the 7, same problem. I had to purchase an 8, AN EIGHT! I have never worn an 8 in my LIFE. Oh the outrage, Oh the horror, Oh the SHOCK! The diet starts immediately, let me tell you...

Oh wait. It's feet. Feet can't be changed. It is what it is. My feet are just wider in spots, thinner in others, really high arches and a second toe that curves along the way. But I love my feet. Size is just a number, I just had to keep trying on pairs until one fit. FIT. This is the key word, not Small, Medium or Large OR 7, 8, or 9. But fit.

Our bodies are our bodies. They are all different, size is just relative. You will always be smaller than someone else, larger than someone else. It just is what it is. Love your body, buy clothes that fit.

That's all I ask.

There are certain things you learn by stumbling across them. One of those is allergies.

Something I recently learned I was allergic to is Tide to Go pens. I had dropped half a cherry on my white shirt, so I used the pen, which I ALWAYS use, without thinking twice. I left the house right after. Not long after my stomach felt very ichy, I lifted my shirt to see a massive red patch of tiny dots right where I'd used the pen.

Still, to this day, nearly a week later, a little red line of dots exists.

Interesting.

I've come to acknowledge that I have a need to create.

I wonder if this rings true for most? The more I observe the more I understand that it may just be a select few of us.

Creating can come in many forms, situation specific. For me it can include writing, painting, cooking. I'd also like to include things like exercise, swimming and dancing into the mix, though these things don't exactly have a physical, tangible finished "product" I still feel whole and as if I'm expressing myself.

I need to create to live. I get feeling so blah and stuck in a rut. I spend life ticking the things off my daily checklist and go to bed unsatisfied. Somehow, reading and writing- things I would easily qualify as my favourite in terms of interests- always get shoved to the bottom of my to do list. Groceries, cleaning, laundry, all these things, things I don't want to do and therefore take more time, come first.

Yesterday I dedicated my day to creative endeavours. I painted, I explored, I read, I cooked. But I also realized this is something I'm doing for me and others may not understand. It's a me moment. This harsh realization came about when an unnamed person (because I really do love this person but hated them in this moment) came upon me painting and used that terrible terrible diminuitive and dismissive word when he/she said, "Oh, that's cute."

Side Note: Cute is a terrible word. You may use it for people's babies or small puppies or something of the like, but just as a rule of thumb, don't use it. It does no good.

Oh, and then he/she continued to talk to me and stare at me while I painted. Can't you see I'm doing ME?! Apparently not. But that's okay. Let it go, right? People won't always get it. I think I'm okay with that.

I did it. I graduated.

I went through such a wave of emotion the day before. Some would describe me as dramatic or melodramatic, I just say I like to engage my emotions to their full potentials.

So the day before my grad started with me refusing to do it, calling it off, dragging my heels, and ended with me doing happy little "im graduating tomorrow" dances on the sidewalk.

I couldn't sleep the night before. The anticipation was killing me. I'd also tried to range of "convocation isn't that big of a deal, all it is is walking across and stage, shaking hands, and getting a peice of paper" to "this is a big deal, it's quite an achievement to graduate from university, many don't".

I didn't want to make anyone from home come a long distance for it, I know they all love and support me fully- other than my parents and brother of course, they HAD to be there. My 3 besties on the other hand, not making them come. So instead I insisted my local favourites attend.

It was overall a great day. It was an overwhelming feeling and realization. I did it. I got to wear a pretty dress and heels, have my picture taken, and a bunch of my favourite people together.

It's important we take time to celebrate successes, and remind one another just how proud we are of our achievements.

I'm officially graduating university in two weeks. It's a scary thought.

At my last graduation, when I was 17 years old, I couldn't believe how old 21 sounded. Now that I'm here I don't feel that old at all.

But, the thing about these transitional moments is it facilitates a true moment of reflection. Looking back I'm glad I did it the way I did, my university experience. But, if I had a do over, I'd like to discuss the things I'd change.

1) Get more involved, meet more people.

I got discouraged early with how to present myself to others, and where to meet people. I had this misconstrued notion that the only way to meet people was to go out drinking. I just didn't know how to conduct myself in that manner. In truth I've met many people in my senior year and I'm glad. I wish I'd known where to look for them long ago.

2) Ask for help.

This is a big one. As I've struggled since my first year to dig my GPA out of the rut caused by a poor first year I keep thinking, if only I'd swallowed my pride and fear and approached one of the many resources available. In high school work came easy. In university, not so much. I failed french in first year and have far too many Cs on my transcript. Professors and TAs are there to teach, ask for help, attend office hours, if only for the social networking aspect. Show your educators respect, they deserve it.

3) Be smarter with my finances.

Though the financial debt of university is a big one, I see coming out of university many more big debts coming in my future. I wish I hadn't been so frivilous with my money. I thought, since I wasn't the typical university student, spending rediculous amounts on alcohol, that I'd just be fine. I was wrong, I spent money poorl. Just recently I've learned smarter alternatives.

FOOD: I need to stop eating out as often. It's not healthy, and it's expensive. I should reserve outings for special occasions. Buy the essential groceries and watch how long they last.

CLOTHES: The mall has such a strong appeal to me, I love the new. Recently I've learned to knack to thrift store shopping. So much cheaper, and hey- its cool and unique clothes. Previously loved, fabric with a story, my kind of thing.

ENTERTAINMENT: Let's face it, the movies have gotten expensive! Even rentals are fairly pricey. The local library has movies for free, this goes for books too. I spend too much on books, even if I'm spending it at my most favourite used book store- not as often.
I love being outside, why not spend a day in the park. Every time I go it's something different, I see something new, I go with a different friend, at a different time of day. Sometimes for a run, a quick walk, tanning, writing. There are so many activities and I'd say every city has some sort of a park.

These are things I've learned late in life, you could say. My university experience was one to cherish in every aspect. I can't help but think, this is just the beginning...

An important lesson to learn in life is how to laugh at ourselves and our misfortunes.

Yesterday was a big day for me, I made the hour and a half drive to my new school to look at a place to live and to tour the school, familiarize myself with it so that the first-day-getting-lost-without-pants-on dreams will be kept at a minimum. I found a place I loved and when we returned my dear friend and I decided to do something good for our bodies and go play tennis at a local highschool.

Turns out 2 of the 4 courts were being used, so that the two free ones were either in between two matches or beside one. Either way, she and I will both admit we are not overly skilled in the game of tennis and knew playing in either of the courts would disrupt the other games rather often.

So we decided to run the track.

Running the track is easy. Remember highschool? The 12 minute run? I believe 4 was a minimum in order to pass so obviously a lap or two would be easy. Well, I would admit I'm a little competitive, so as many laps as my close friend did, I also had to do. We ended up doing 4 total. At the time I felt like I was in highschool again.

And let me just preface this comment and say that in highschool I was not athletic. I was awkward, I had a body I hadn't learned how to maneuver quite yet. So I only did gym in grade 9 and the only people slower than me in running were the injured.

Since highschool I've learned to love my body, and treat it well. I've also taken up running, SO- I thought, I should be able to outdo my highschool self and love life at the same time. And I certainly did love it as I did it.

Today, my body is saying something different.

But that could also be because last night my legs decided to rebel and not take the steps as they should, catapulting my body in a rolling downward motion, limbs every which way. Once I reached the bottom and tried to unravel my twisted body I realized I could not stand, my ankles wouldn't allow it, so I dragged myself to my room and fell asleep on my floor.

This is why today my body is aching in pain, a combination of athletic feats I can't achieve anymore (not without practice anyway) and clumsy attempts at taking stairs.

But writing this blog I laughed pretty hard picturing last nights ordeal again and I hope you find humour in it as well. Laughter certainly is the best medicine.

Hey Mr. DJ keep playing that song for me

The following will be a rant; consider yourself now fairly warned.

Do you know what irks me? Summer hits. I'm talking those catchy tunes that are so popular that you hear them about 6 times an hour on every station and there is a techno version available before you can say beans. There always seems to be an abundance of them come summertime.

Now, I'll admit it. I probably like these songs the first time I hear them. It's probably because they have this catchy beat that makes me wanna shake my groove thang. I like to dance. Why not? Dancing puts our hearts in motion.

BUT, after the second or third time, or after listening to the lyrics and later having to see them lifeless and written in someone's facebook status or on someone's edited photo it becomes apparent how truly idotic and poorly written they are.

Sigh. Why must poorly written and easily forgotten songs be overplayed into the ground? There's so many good songs out there, so many good bands. Mind you, I almost don't want to share the music I love because I'm nearly certain if those artists were played 7 times a day and everyone and their mother posted the lyrics on their facebook I don't know if I'd feel the same amount of ownership or connection I have.

So I guess the (music) world is the way it is for a reason, and I shouldn't be so angry. But seriously people, think before you post the lyrics. It sounds stupid.

Momma said there'd be days like this.

I died a little inside this morning when I stepped out the door to see my car covered in snow. Last week I was wearing shorts and tanktops and playing baseball barefoot in the park. I'm hoping this is just going to be one of those weird weather moments and it will pass because I got a pedicure with my three best friends on friday and if these toes are covered by socks and shoes for much longer I'm seriously going to feel like I wasted my money. I'm a student, I just can't afford to waste my money you know!

But- today is a special day, Mother's Day. My mother is my very best friend and my other half. Most women fear becoming their mother most, I would be lucky to become her. The older my brother and I get the more difficult it is to spend a day together with the entire family so we are happy just to be together.

My mother and I were playing baseball in our backyard- or rather, we played catch and then she pitched to me and I was batting. She played baseball for many years and as we pass many local ball diamonds she tells us her stories from yesteryears. She often tells me she was playing while I was an infant and would nurse me between innings. Somewhere in there I must have gotten some sort of skill, I'm hoping. Well tonight I tried my hardest to hit her with two clean line drives, but she was too quick for me.

Maybe next year.

Blackberry Bandaid

There's something so beautiful about the simplicity of summer.

I get really irritated in the winter having to layer and layer and layer. You cant help but feel like you are hiding something under all that. So in the summer I love being able to slip on a pair of sandals and go.

But the other layering we engage in as a culture is all our stuff we need to bring with us everywhere. I find myself lugging around my slouchy bag- which of course I love because I can fit so much into it- but it gets so tiring.

Today a friend and I went for a walk through the park, something I've been doing regularly now, and all I did was slide my three keys off my oversized keychains and slipped them in my shorts.

It's so liberating to go somewhere without all that stuff. I do not need my blackberry in the park (though I did see a bride and groom getting wedding photos, and of course the budding spring trees as so beautiful) but I can take mental pictures, they age better anyway.

Also, three years of living in the same house is coming to an end and I'm slowly working on moving all my stuff from here to somewhere else and am slowly realizing I have way too much stuff. Way too much. I had a clothing purge not that long ago and moving out all of my things has exhausted me in so many ways- and I've just started!

All these thoughts of trying to strip down the layers and the stuff intersect into one decision. I want to live more simply. It's a nice thought in principle but I'm going to have to establish some simple ways to make it actually happen.

The first one I already know is in regards to my blackberry. At this point I have to have it within arms reach. I need to stop that. If someone needs to get ahold of me they don't need an immediate response. And I've realized how irritating it truly is when you are with someone face to face and they are preoccupied with their phone. Put it down and pay attention to me! Am I not worth that attention? I want to show you are worth my time and attention.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Just like her

I don't know about you but I cherish stories about my relatives, especially my grandmothers.

You see, Mae is my middle name, it's something I share with both grandmothers. My bestfriend uses my middle name to speak to me. This name reminds me of three women very dear to me.

My paternal grandmother died when I was seven. I am her youngest grandchild and I happen to know she was enthralled by me. I was her little dolly; I was a precious tiny little girl with the most delicate of features, it's true.

I didn't know her well, losing her at such a young age. This is why whenever my tendencies or interests are highlighted by either of my parents as "just like your grandma" my heart smiles.

Those we love live on not only in our hearts but also in our lives.

I'm always told I'm like her in my body shape and my love of flashy tacky things. But it was just today, during a phone call with my parents when I shared recent stories that I was rewarded with this comparrison in a new way.

Recently I purchased a "slouchy" bag which I can fit absolutely anything into, which pleases me because I like to bring my entire life with me, a whole bunch of strange and unrelated items. I returned from a two day trip and pulled out an umbrella, a pasta dinner, unlimited bread, 4 pairs of sunglasses and two fortune cookies among other things.

Also, my roomate and I decided on a whim to purchase and apply fake nails. Let me tell you, I never realized how often I use my nails until I stuck plastic pieces on top of them. Fake nails remind me of high heels, they certainly enhance your appearance but they also make life a little more difficult. It's one of those tradeoffs as a woman we must decide which side outweighs the other.

It was the packrat purse and plastic peices on my nails that led my mother to verbally smile as she said, "you're just like your grandma" and rewarded me with entertaining stories of that wonderful woman.

Hearing these stories I can't help but think of my unborn children as they one day tell their children about me. I hope they'll say, "you're just like her".